Okay, so I haven't posted a blog in well over half a year. I haven't given up...I guess I just have a little writer's block. Lots of changes this year. I no longer work from home and now I guess I'm what you'd call a "commuter". I work for the financial department of our hospital and I really do love it and my new co-workers and boss. I was officially divorced last year and in January the most amazing chick in the world moved to Montana and into my house. Lots of ups and downs this year, but so far...not a bad year.
Until I have some inspiration...here's an old story I wrote to mock the insanity that is my HOA. I hear my co-worker talk of her HOA and it reminded me of this article.
HOAs. Yes, I’m referring to Home Owners Associations. The mini Communist governments we have created and enlisted to “protect” our property values, but have in turn only sucked the creativity and uniqueness out of today’s neighborhoods. Generic America. Cookie cutter districts. My friends, I live in one of these neighborhoods. Earth-toned purgatory. Sure, there are arguments for covenants—some I may even agree with. (I.e. do not plant any @#$&# box elder trees within 350 miles of my house). However, the cost is too great. About once a month I receive a letter from my HOA “reminding” me my trash can is in plain view of society outside the allotted time before & after trash pick-up. Here are some more examples of HOA letters I have received while living in my home:
One of your trees is dead and according to section 456,597,554 paragraph 558,577 all firewood has to be neatly stacked and out of view of human beings. My reply to this asinine letter was that my tree was not, in fact, dead as it had a solitary branch grasping on to life and since they are not botanists I chose to fight for the life of my tree.
Your car cannot be parked in the street. Not anywhere in the 7 million pages of covenants does it say a licensed and mechanically sound vehicle cannot be parked in the street. It was for sale…I contemplated taking it off the market and leaving it there for eternity.
Your ditch is not landscaped. Now let me explain this one. There is a 10 foot easement from the street that you do not own. Why should I pay to landscape and be responsible for this area when I do not own it? I was going to landscape it just for personal homeowner satisfaction, but after HOA letter number 1,558 it still sits dandelion riddled and landscape free….spite….does a body good. I am collecting tacky lawn trinkets (gnomes, swan planters, deer statues, flamingos, etc.) to plaster my front yard with…donations are accepted.
Now, I live 5 houses down from the HOA president, but yet every one of these letters is mailed to me. Meaning a stamp was purchased!!!!!!!! And how was this stamp purchased you ask? Ahhh….association dues. Besides having zero regard for postage purchases, they also use our dues to:
Clean the streets during construction season
Plow the streets 4 hours after everyone’s left for work and smashed all the snow down
And…..the annual block party
Oh boy the annual block party! Let me just mark my calendar and cancel all my plans! Ok, don’t get me wrong, I actually do enjoy a number of my neighbors. But the thought of hanging out with all of my neighbors at the same time eating tasteless hamburgers while all their dogs and kids run around makes my head hurt. All the “where do you work?” and the “how ‘bout this weather?” and then the uncomfortable silence when you realize you have nothing in common, nothing else to say and lost interest in this person 5 minutes ago until one of you has the balls to do the awkward walk-away to find someone more entertaining. So this year, we treated ourselves and escaped the whole ordeal. Drove out the back way all stealth and sneaky (yelling “Seeya losers!”) and went to the mall…to shop for shoes.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Thursday, December 30, 2010
May All Your Troubles Last As Long As Your New Year's Resolutions
Not sure what to say about the year 2010 except that I’m glad it’s over and if 2011 isn’t better, I don’t know what I’ll do.
A random story to end the year…my son came upstairs holding a balled up tissue over his eye today.
My son: “Mommy! I have an emergency!!”
(insert panic here)
“The toilet won’t flush!”
Me: “What happened to your eye??????”
My son: “Oh yah, it’s bleeding.”
He scratched his eyelid on something, but I love that a broken toilet was his emergency and not his bloody eye. No wonder I have constant anxiety.
And to end…a quote from my brother after I complained about all the grounds in the pot of coffee he made “Well…life is hard and there are shitty surprises everywhere”. Indeed.
For everyone who also had the worst year of their lives…2011 is our year. For sure. Has to be…right??
Happy new year. :)
A random story to end the year…my son came upstairs holding a balled up tissue over his eye today.
My son: “Mommy! I have an emergency!!”
(insert panic here)
“The toilet won’t flush!”
Me: “What happened to your eye??????”
My son: “Oh yah, it’s bleeding.”
He scratched his eyelid on something, but I love that a broken toilet was his emergency and not his bloody eye. No wonder I have constant anxiety.
And to end…a quote from my brother after I complained about all the grounds in the pot of coffee he made “Well…life is hard and there are shitty surprises everywhere”. Indeed.
For everyone who also had the worst year of their lives…2011 is our year. For sure. Has to be…right??
Happy new year. :)
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Whiskey In the Jar-o
A couple Saturdays ago I went with a group of liquor lovers to the Montana RoughStock Distillery for a bottling party. RoughStock is a locally owned business and Montana’s first whiskey distillery in over 100 years. They use Montana barley and other local products to make the magic happen. We started with a tour of the facility, the history of whiskey and instructions on how to run the different stations. We all scurried to pick a task and were encouraged to test the product for “quality assurance” while we worked. We were able to move around and try out the different duties. I manned the bottling machine, the shrink wrap machine, applied stickers and the last station, which included writing the batch number, bottle number and personally signing the back of the label.
The details are a little fuzzy, but in the end 400 bottles were filled, corked, labeled, shrink wrapped, “Made In Montana” stickered, signed and boxed. A handful of people were intoxicated, one member was drooling and our bellies were full of Tarantino's Pizza, which tastes surprisingly as good during the day as it does at 2 am after a bar crawl.
Some of us left with bottles of whiskey, which range in price from $45-50 and free t-shirts:
It was an enjoyable way to spend a Saturday afternoon and a brilliant way to get free labor out of alcoholics.
http://www.montanawhiskey.com/
Montana Manhattan
¾ ounces Sweet Vermouth
2 ½ ounces RoughStock Whiskey
1 dash Angostura Bitters
1 Maraschino Cherry (or 4 if you’re hungry)
1 Twist Orange Peel
¾ ounces Sweet Vermouth
2 ½ ounces RoughStock Whiskey
1 dash Angostura Bitters
1 Maraschino Cherry (or 4 if you’re hungry)
1 Twist Orange Peel
The details are a little fuzzy, but in the end 400 bottles were filled, corked, labeled, shrink wrapped, “Made In Montana” stickered, signed and boxed. A handful of people were intoxicated, one member was drooling and our bellies were full of Tarantino's Pizza, which tastes surprisingly as good during the day as it does at 2 am after a bar crawl.
Some of us left with bottles of whiskey, which range in price from $45-50 and free t-shirts:
It was an enjoyable way to spend a Saturday afternoon and a brilliant way to get free labor out of alcoholics.
http://www.montanawhiskey.com/
Montana Manhattan
¾ ounces Sweet Vermouth
2 ½ ounces RoughStock Whiskey
1 dash Angostura Bitters
1 Maraschino Cherry (or 4 if you’re hungry)
1 Twist Orange Peel
¾ ounces Sweet Vermouth
2 ½ ounces RoughStock Whiskey
1 dash Angostura Bitters
1 Maraschino Cherry (or 4 if you’re hungry)
1 Twist Orange Peel
Monday, September 6, 2010
Blue Eyes...Cryin' In The Rain
This past Friday was the spectacular Willie Nelson concert. I bought my ticket 13 seconds after they went on sale and looked forward to it for two months. My friend and I drove to Big Sky where we proceeded to fill up on beer before the show started.
(Mmmmmm….beer)
We ate some food to soak up the beer, drank some more beer and then caught a shuttle to the pavilion. We arrived about 10 seconds before the last opening act performed.
(opening act…I don’t remember their name, but they were wonderful)
Even though we arrived late, we managed to secure a spot directly front and center, which irritated the dude near us who had waited there 3 hours.
(me rockin’ my cowgirl shirt happy to be right up front without the irritation of all that waiting)
The mob started to roll in fairly quickly at this point, but I was smart enough to bring a big tall dude who was smart enough to stand next to a big tall marine and between those two, they kept this very short claustrophobe from having a panic attack and getting squished. Kind of amazing (frightening actually) to watch people try to crush their way to the front…it’s like watching a zombie attack.
Safely nestled in front of my bodyguards, I anxiously awaited Willie. He finally came out and looked and sounded as incredible as I imagined. He had this guitar that was probably constructed in 1792 and sang all of my favorite songs. My throat hurt a little bit the next morning from all the off-key singing I did.
After the concert was over, we didn’t know where to catch a shuttle back to the car so we walked...for what seemed like hours and 100 miles. I complained the entire time and nearly sissied out at least 6 times (20 times). My friend kept lying and saying “we’re almost there”…then he bribed me with “Just COME ON! I’ll buy you a beer!” I got a second wind and made it, but next time I’m waiting for the damn shuttle.
It was a legendary night and the best part of the whole night? WILLIE.FREAKIN.NELSON.MADE.EYE.CONTACT.AND.WINKED….AT.ME. No joke.
Thanks to everyone who put up with me before the concert as I annoyed you with Willie lyrics the entire day. And thanks, Mike, for being the ONLY person brave enough to go with me. The whole day just made my year.
(Willie in his bandana)
(Willie in his cowboy hat)
(Mmmmmm….beer)
We ate some food to soak up the beer, drank some more beer and then caught a shuttle to the pavilion. We arrived about 10 seconds before the last opening act performed.
(opening act…I don’t remember their name, but they were wonderful)
Even though we arrived late, we managed to secure a spot directly front and center, which irritated the dude near us who had waited there 3 hours.
(me rockin’ my cowgirl shirt happy to be right up front without the irritation of all that waiting)
The mob started to roll in fairly quickly at this point, but I was smart enough to bring a big tall dude who was smart enough to stand next to a big tall marine and between those two, they kept this very short claustrophobe from having a panic attack and getting squished. Kind of amazing (frightening actually) to watch people try to crush their way to the front…it’s like watching a zombie attack.
Safely nestled in front of my bodyguards, I anxiously awaited Willie. He finally came out and looked and sounded as incredible as I imagined. He had this guitar that was probably constructed in 1792 and sang all of my favorite songs. My throat hurt a little bit the next morning from all the off-key singing I did.
After the concert was over, we didn’t know where to catch a shuttle back to the car so we walked...for what seemed like hours and 100 miles. I complained the entire time and nearly sissied out at least 6 times (20 times). My friend kept lying and saying “we’re almost there”…then he bribed me with “Just COME ON! I’ll buy you a beer!” I got a second wind and made it, but next time I’m waiting for the damn shuttle.
It was a legendary night and the best part of the whole night? WILLIE.FREAKIN.NELSON.MADE.EYE.CONTACT.AND.WINKED….AT.ME. No joke.
Thanks to everyone who put up with me before the concert as I annoyed you with Willie lyrics the entire day. And thanks, Mike, for being the ONLY person brave enough to go with me. The whole day just made my year.
(Willie in his bandana)
(Willie in his cowboy hat)
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
A fine beer may be judged with only one sip, but it's better to be thoroughly sure
Another submission for spiritedtimes.com that I thought I'd post here too:
While reviewing my arsenal of drinks for the “favorite cocktails” section of this page, I realized that nothing makes this Montanan happier than a frothy cold beer. Here in Montana we claim over a dozen of the finest microbreweries, well in my opinion, anywhere. Below is a list of my favorite brews:
Kettlehouse Brewing Company
Missoula, MT
http://www.kettlehouse.com/
The ultimate microbrew comes from Kettlehouse and is the Cold Smoke Scotch Ale. This may very well be my favorite thing to drink…period. While visiting Kettlehouse, give the Olde Bongwater Porter a try.
Madison River Brewing Company
Belgrade, MT
http://www.madisonriverbrewing.com/
The Madison River Brewing Company does an outstanding second place job of perfecting another Scotch Ale, the Copper John Scotch Ale. If dark beers aren’t your thing, try the Salmon Fly Honey Rye.
Bozeman Brewing Company
Bozeman, MT
http://bozemanbrewing.com/
The Bozone Plum St. Porter from the Bozeman Brewing Company is so substantial and rich we locals use it as a meal replacement.
Neptunes Brewery
Livingston, MT
www.neptunesbrewery.com
Who needs cake when you can try the seasonal Chocolate Cream Porter from Neptune’s Brewery? Neptune’s brewery is located in the beautiful and eclectic town of Livingston and their slogan reads “Don’t drink like a fish…drink like a God”, which I think is advice we can all agree with.
Big Sky Brewing Co
Missoula, MT
www.bigskybrew.com
Another smashing brew from Missoula is the Moose Drool Brown Ale. This is a favorite throughout all of Montana’s pubs and can be conveniently located bottled in 6 packs in many of our local grocery stores.
While reviewing my arsenal of drinks for the “favorite cocktails” section of this page, I realized that nothing makes this Montanan happier than a frothy cold beer. Here in Montana we claim over a dozen of the finest microbreweries, well in my opinion, anywhere. Below is a list of my favorite brews:
Kettlehouse Brewing Company
Missoula, MT
http://www.kettlehouse.com/
The ultimate microbrew comes from Kettlehouse and is the Cold Smoke Scotch Ale. This may very well be my favorite thing to drink…period. While visiting Kettlehouse, give the Olde Bongwater Porter a try.
Madison River Brewing Company
Belgrade, MT
http://www.madisonriverbrewing.com/
The Madison River Brewing Company does an outstanding second place job of perfecting another Scotch Ale, the Copper John Scotch Ale. If dark beers aren’t your thing, try the Salmon Fly Honey Rye.
Bozeman Brewing Company
Bozeman, MT
http://bozemanbrewing.com/
The Bozone Plum St. Porter from the Bozeman Brewing Company is so substantial and rich we locals use it as a meal replacement.
Neptunes Brewery
Livingston, MT
www.neptunesbrewery.com
Who needs cake when you can try the seasonal Chocolate Cream Porter from Neptune’s Brewery? Neptune’s brewery is located in the beautiful and eclectic town of Livingston and their slogan reads “Don’t drink like a fish…drink like a God”, which I think is advice we can all agree with.
Big Sky Brewing Co
Missoula, MT
www.bigskybrew.com
Another smashing brew from Missoula is the Moose Drool Brown Ale. This is a favorite throughout all of Montana’s pubs and can be conveniently located bottled in 6 packs in many of our local grocery stores.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Best Little Tiki Lounge On Earth
In the town of Great Falls, Montana, there’s a little hole in the wall called the Sip-N-Dip. There are so many things wrong with this place that everything is right and for the first 10 minutes you stare in disbelief. This entrancing nook can be found up the stairs in the O’Haire Motor Inn and is the tackiest tiki lounge this side of Tahiti. Windows have been built in to the side of the hotel pool and you can watch mermaids swim around as you drink your cocktails and marvel at the engineering feat of an upstairs pool. Legend has it Darryl Hannah once suited up in mermaid attire and swam in the Sip-N-Dip pool.
The best part of Sip-N-Dip is undoubtedly Piano Pat. Pat Spoonheim has been chained behind a round padded bar four nights a week for 44 years and oddly, got this gig after filling in for the previous piano man who skipped town and didn’t return until 20 years later. Pat’s rendition of “Sweet Caroline” makes you want to hurdle the barricade she created to keep the inebriated from falling on her and kiss her right on the lips. The night we visited Pat, there were at least 3 bachelorette parties in progress and Pat rolled her eyes as she sang “Going to the Chapel” to “all these young kids getting married”. You can purchase Pat’s top hits on CD and it was all I could do to keep from buying 50 of them and passing them out at Christmas.
Perhaps the most fascinating Sip-N-Dip anomaly is that in 2003, GQ Magazine named this night spot the number 1 bar on earth. Oh not just America, folks…ON. EARTH. And as you sit there watching mermaids and listening to Piano Pat under a straw ceiling, it all makes perfect sense.
Request the large blue drink served in what looks to be a giant fishbowl with 4 straws and share it with your friends. Or better yet just get one straw and drink it yourself. Don’t forget to tip Pat on your way out.
Check out other beverage stories (as well as my own submissions) at www.spiritedtimes.com
The best part of Sip-N-Dip is undoubtedly Piano Pat. Pat Spoonheim has been chained behind a round padded bar four nights a week for 44 years and oddly, got this gig after filling in for the previous piano man who skipped town and didn’t return until 20 years later. Pat’s rendition of “Sweet Caroline” makes you want to hurdle the barricade she created to keep the inebriated from falling on her and kiss her right on the lips. The night we visited Pat, there were at least 3 bachelorette parties in progress and Pat rolled her eyes as she sang “Going to the Chapel” to “all these young kids getting married”. You can purchase Pat’s top hits on CD and it was all I could do to keep from buying 50 of them and passing them out at Christmas.
Perhaps the most fascinating Sip-N-Dip anomaly is that in 2003, GQ Magazine named this night spot the number 1 bar on earth. Oh not just America, folks…ON. EARTH. And as you sit there watching mermaids and listening to Piano Pat under a straw ceiling, it all makes perfect sense.
Request the large blue drink served in what looks to be a giant fishbowl with 4 straws and share it with your friends. Or better yet just get one straw and drink it yourself. Don’t forget to tip Pat on your way out.
Check out other beverage stories (as well as my own submissions) at www.spiritedtimes.com
Friday, May 14, 2010
Early 30's...It's a Bitch
Last month I turned 32 and it made me think of this story I wrote after turning 30...
A few months ago I turned 30. In the stages of grief, I'm still in denial. Turning 30 gets you no sympathy from anyone over the age of 35 as they seem to have conveniently repressed the memory of terror, anger and extreme sadness about the whole ordeal. It's funny because in your 20's when something is wrong with you, everyone says "oh no…you're way too young to have that ailment! You should seek medical attention!" After 30 it's "Yah, welcome to your 30's" with no caring advice whatsoever.
On the other hand, I am an admitted hypochondriac. Have you seen those commercials for prescription medication that list off 10 to 20 possible side effects? I don't know why someone would take some of these. If possible side effects are dizziness, boils and brain hemorrhage resulting in death, what could possibly possess someone to take this medication? For example, there is a medication out there prescribed for toenail fungus. Possible side effects of this treatment are diarrhea, headache, indigestion, rash and possible liver damage. LIVER DAMAGE?!?! Now really, I think you can live with a little yellow toenail.
You really have to congratulate the drug companies for their marketing though. When I see one of these ads, I am instantly convinced I suffer from whatever disease, syndrome or affliction is being advertised. "Are you tired? Are you stressed? Do you get headaches? Are you turning green?" Ok, of course that last one I made up, but it doesn't matter what they say after the third symptom because I am already sure I have a disease. And some of these symptoms are so ambiguous that they could pertain to 85% of Americans. I read an article the other day that certain animals can actually smell a cancerous tumor. Now every time my dog sniffs me, I want to check myself into the hospital for a full body scan and complete blood work-up.
But, now that I have reached the age of 30, I am one step closer to wearing nothing but elastic top pants, yelling at the neighborhood kids to "get off my lawn" and doling out hard candies. And maybe turning 30 isn't so bad after all. I have now attained the official required age of a U.S. senator…a stepping stone to my goal of worldwide domination.
A few months ago I turned 30. In the stages of grief, I'm still in denial. Turning 30 gets you no sympathy from anyone over the age of 35 as they seem to have conveniently repressed the memory of terror, anger and extreme sadness about the whole ordeal. It's funny because in your 20's when something is wrong with you, everyone says "oh no…you're way too young to have that ailment! You should seek medical attention!" After 30 it's "Yah, welcome to your 30's" with no caring advice whatsoever.
On the other hand, I am an admitted hypochondriac. Have you seen those commercials for prescription medication that list off 10 to 20 possible side effects? I don't know why someone would take some of these. If possible side effects are dizziness, boils and brain hemorrhage resulting in death, what could possibly possess someone to take this medication? For example, there is a medication out there prescribed for toenail fungus. Possible side effects of this treatment are diarrhea, headache, indigestion, rash and possible liver damage. LIVER DAMAGE?!?! Now really, I think you can live with a little yellow toenail.
You really have to congratulate the drug companies for their marketing though. When I see one of these ads, I am instantly convinced I suffer from whatever disease, syndrome or affliction is being advertised. "Are you tired? Are you stressed? Do you get headaches? Are you turning green?" Ok, of course that last one I made up, but it doesn't matter what they say after the third symptom because I am already sure I have a disease. And some of these symptoms are so ambiguous that they could pertain to 85% of Americans. I read an article the other day that certain animals can actually smell a cancerous tumor. Now every time my dog sniffs me, I want to check myself into the hospital for a full body scan and complete blood work-up.
But, now that I have reached the age of 30, I am one step closer to wearing nothing but elastic top pants, yelling at the neighborhood kids to "get off my lawn" and doling out hard candies. And maybe turning 30 isn't so bad after all. I have now attained the official required age of a U.S. senator…a stepping stone to my goal of worldwide domination.
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