Early 30's...It's a Bitch

Last month I turned 32 and it made me think of this story I wrote after turning 30...

A few months ago I turned 30. In the stages of grief, I'm still in denial. Turning 30 gets you no sympathy from anyone over the age of 35 as they seem to have conveniently repressed the memory of terror, anger and extreme sadness about the whole ordeal. It's funny because in your 20's when something is wrong with you, everyone says "oh no…you're way too young to have that ailment! You should seek medical attention!" After 30 it's "Yah, welcome to your 30's" with no caring advice whatsoever.
On the other hand, I am an admitted hypochondriac. Have you seen those commercials for prescription medication that list off 10 to 20 possible side effects? I don't know why someone would take some of these. If possible side effects are dizziness, boils and brain hemorrhage resulting in death, what could possibly possess someone to take this medication? For example, there is a medication out there prescribed for toenail fungus. Possible side effects of this treatment are diarrhea, headache, indigestion, rash and possible liver damage. LIVER DAMAGE?!?! Now really, I think you can live with a little yellow toenail.
You really have to congratulate the drug companies for their marketing though. When I see one of these ads, I am instantly convinced I suffer from whatever disease, syndrome or affliction is being advertised. "Are you tired? Are you stressed? Do you get headaches? Are you turning green?" Ok, of course that last one I made up, but it doesn't matter what they say after the third symptom because I am already sure I have a disease. And some of these symptoms are so ambiguous that they could pertain to 85% of Americans. I read an article the other day that certain animals can actually smell a cancerous tumor. Now every time my dog sniffs me, I want to check myself into the hospital for a full body scan and complete blood work-up.
But, now that I have reached the age of 30, I am one step closer to wearing nothing but elastic top pants, yelling at the neighborhood kids to "get off my lawn" and doling out hard candies. And maybe turning 30 isn't so bad after all. I have now attained the official required age of a U.S. senator…a stepping stone to my goal of worldwide domination.