Prayer: Yay or Nay?

Dictionary definition of to “pray”: Act of communicating with a deity especially as a petition or in adoration or contrition or thanksgiving.
Ambrose Bierce's “Devil’s Dictionary” definition of to “pray”: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Up until last month, I subscribed to Ambrose Bierce’s definition of prayer. That was until I drove my husband’s ancient piece of crap Toyota after dark. I didn’t want my children chauffeured around in this death trap so I sent them up to visit my in-laws in my new Nissan Sentra. I’m not sure which I missed more…my children or my car. So I was left with this old car that used to be nice when I bought it in the mid-90’s. Didn’t think it was going to be too bad until I got in and noticed about 650 tree air fresheners scattered around, the seatbelt was broken and I had a minute amount of fuel and that was just before I turned it on. Upon ignition I noticed some pretty unsettling noises. I was warned about some strange noises when you turn the corner, but this seemed excessive. Accelerating seemed to cause the most trouble with a lot of clanking and shaking…decelerating lead to kind of a scraping and swaying and then braking caused a pretty severe grinding. It was daytime when I left on my adventure and the windshield seemed pretty dirty, but nothing I couldn’t handle. Until it was nighttime and I couldn’t see anything! To my horror, my super responsible husband had no wiper fluid in the car. Nothing. Luckily I left with a container of water to drink on the ride home and I had to use that to clean the windshield on the side of the road. Which, of course, froze almost immediately. After a few moments of maximum defrost I was on my way again. The chant “please GOD get me home” ran through my head on a continuous loop. It’s deer season and I just had a feeling I needed to stay in the left lane rather than moving over to the right lane where my turn is. Had I not done that, I would have hit a deer standing exactly in the middle of the right lane…with no seatbelt and grinding brakes. So, power of prayer…coincidence or is there something to this? Or maybe it’s just like my grandma used to say “always follow your hunches!”

New Year's Ruminations

Here we are in the year 2010. Eleven years into the 21st century (yes, 11 - count on your fingers if you have to). While reflecting on the past year and composing my new year’s resolutions I’ll promptly abandon by mid-January, I got sidetracked thinking about what I expected 2010 to look like. I remember thinking I’d be in my 30’s and how old that seemed to a burgeoning youth. But I also remember thinking the world would look closer to the space exploration age of Star Trek.
It appears to me that I’m not entirely alone in my ruminations. For example, in 1968 the epic motion picture 2001: A Space Odyssey predicted artificial intelligence. Sure, we have Honda’s ASIMO whose abilities include facial recognition, environmental recognition and sound recognition among other things. Although none of which include the advanced capabilities The Jetson’s envisioned. Where’s my Rosie the Robot Maid? In 1989, Back to the Future II promised me flying cars. Okay, I can see the pitfalls of flying cars. If I break down while cruising down the highway, I pull over. If I break down while flying at an altitude of 1,000 feet, I will promptly plummet to immediate death. One of my brilliant offspring suggested emergency parachutes. Excellent idea, but I’m not sure I’d like to trust my life to a flimsy sheet of nylon. But give me something…a hover board perhaps?
If computers make the world go ‘round and Moore’s Law projects that CPU transistor counts double every 2 years (expecting to hold steady for another 2 decades), then according to my calculations, however insufficient, we should be looking forward to toilet cleaning robots any year now.
Alas, while I do so look forward to food replicators, holodecks and fully-functional androids (wink!), I feel I must focus on the present...for now. So I decided this year my new year’s resolution is to learn something new every day. Did you know the toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans?
Here’s to a prosperous 2010.
Cheers!

Broken Resolutions

As you can see by the above picture, by January 2nd, I have already broken my new year’s resolution to never drink again. You know how you have an alter-ego when you drink? Apparently, my alter-ego is a “Coyote Ugly” girl. My friend and I danced on this bar (which, by the way, was imported by Irish immigrants and brought to Montana on a wagon train in the 1800's or some such story I don't fully remember) and were promptly tossed out by “Chuck” who, on an unrelated note, had a stuffed badger I insisted on petting.
I think I have all my bad behavior out of the way for 2010 so I’m looking forward to an uneventful 12 months hoping to get back in Chuck’s good graces. This was “The Sport” bar in Livingston, Montana...just don't drink anything that Chuck won't give you the name of until you're half-way through and already told him you really like it.

Alone...Is Not Better

My husband took my children to visit his folks while I stayed back to watch our neighbor’s house and make sure our kitten didn’t get eaten by the big cat or more importantly, claw the rest of my new furniture. For the first time in…well ever…I have the house to myself. At first, I couldn’t wait for everyone to get the hell out of here so I could have a couple relaxing days to myself watching bad DVDs in my undies eating chicken on the couch. But now, I can’t wait for them to get home and it’s only day two. Normally I have trouble hearing until I’m home alone in a dark house by myself and then every creak, thump and whistle is audible. I kept waking up thinking there were any number of things in my home with me: zombies, ghosts, monsters, rapists, burglars, etc. Add that to a kitten diving at my other two animals and my feet all night, I managed to wake up feeling like a dump truck drove over me a couple times. Zombies, ghosts, monsters…it’s all completely irrational. So I thought I’d take some time to review my other absurd phobias and perhaps you can shed some insight as to where they came from or how to rid myself of them. Before my family left, I asked them to help make a list of my phobias because I had a list of maybe three already. Both my husband and my daughter started spewing them at me faster than I could write them down. Well, that doesn’t bode well for me.
Ridiculous phobia number 1: I have this fear that if I die in uncomfortable clothes, I will be in uncomfortable clothes for eternity. Thanks every 80’s movie about heaven. So those heels that kill your toes and those jeans that ride up and that shirt you’re always adjusting and even worse that push up bra you can’t wait to dismantle could be what you float around the afterlife in…forever. Not that I want to eternally be in my pajamas, but maybe a comfy pair of yoga pants and a baggy sweatshirt? Too much to ask?
Ridiculous phobia number 2: I can’t look at, touch or go near that clump of hair that circles the shower drain. I realize that the majority of that hair is my own and even clean from shower water, but I still have to ignore it until someone else removes it or use tissue paper as if removing a spider. That thing could be alive for all I know.
Ridiculous phobia number 3: The sound of a plastic spoon scratching on a Styrofoam cup makes me want to crawl out of my skin. I can’t even watch people eat out of Styrofoam without cringing.
Ridiculous phobia number 4: I saw the movie Salem’s Lot when I was maybe 11 or 12. It’s a Stephen King story about vampires and in one scene a boy wakes up and sees a vampire hovering outside his window. When I got home I rearranged my whole bedroom so that my bed was not facing my window as well as every room I’ve had since then. Ignorance is bliss…whatever is hovering behind me that I can’t see I seem to be okay with.
Ridiculous phobia number 5: I don’t like things that fly. Namely, birds and moths. A seagull once ran at me and I bolted like I was running from a mugger only to hide behind my friend and use her as a human shield. Pretty sure she regretted our friendship at that point. When I was a kid, my step-grandpa once told me that moths fly in your mouth at night. Doesn’t take Freud to figure out the fear on that one then.
So here we are day one into the new year and the only thing I’ve realized is that I hate being alone and it’s probably safer not to leave me unattended anyways. :)
Thank you, my friend Katie, for letting me come over and not be alone for a few hours today. Smooch.