Friends For an HOA Free America

Okay, so I haven't posted a blog in well over half a year. I haven't given up...I guess I just have a little writer's block. Lots of changes this year. I no longer work from home and now I guess I'm what you'd call a "commuter". I work for the financial department of our hospital and I really do love it and my new co-workers and boss. I was officially divorced last year and in January the most amazing chick in the world moved to Montana and into my house. Lots of ups and downs this year, but so far...not a bad year.
Until I have some inspiration...here's an old story I wrote to mock the insanity that is my HOA. I hear my co-worker talk of her HOA and it reminded me of this article.
HOAs. Yes, I’m referring to Home Owners Associations. The mini Communist governments we have created and enlisted to “protect” our property values, but have in turn only sucked the creativity and uniqueness out of today’s neighborhoods. Generic America. Cookie cutter districts. My friends, I live in one of these neighborhoods. Earth-toned purgatory. Sure, there are arguments for covenants—some I may even agree with. (I.e. do not plant any @#$&# box elder trees within 350 miles of my house). However, the cost is too great. About once a month I receive a letter from my HOA “reminding” me my trash can is in plain view of society outside the allotted time before & after trash pick-up. Here are some more examples of HOA letters I have received while living in my home:
One of your trees is dead and according to section 456,597,554 paragraph 558,577 all firewood has to be neatly stacked and out of view of human beings. My reply to this asinine letter was that my tree was not, in fact, dead as it had a solitary branch grasping on to life and since they are not botanists I chose to fight for the life of my tree.
Your car cannot be parked in the street. Not anywhere in the 7 million pages of covenants does it say a licensed and mechanically sound vehicle cannot be parked in the street. It was for sale…I contemplated taking it off the market and leaving it there for eternity.
Your ditch is not landscaped. Now let me explain this one. There is a 10 foot easement from the street that you do not own. Why should I pay to landscape and be responsible for this area when I do not own it? I was going to landscape it just for personal homeowner satisfaction, but after HOA letter number 1,558 it still sits dandelion riddled and landscape free….spite….does a body good. I am collecting tacky lawn trinkets (gnomes, swan planters, deer statues, flamingos, etc.) to plaster my front yard with…donations are accepted.
Now, I live 5 houses down from the HOA president, but yet every one of these letters is mailed to me. Meaning a stamp was purchased!!!!!!!! And how was this stamp purchased you ask? Ahhh….association dues. Besides having zero regard for postage purchases, they also use our dues to:
Clean the streets during construction season
Plow the streets 4 hours after everyone’s left for work and smashed all the snow down
And…..the annual block party
Oh boy the annual block party! Let me just mark my calendar and cancel all my plans! Ok, don’t get me wrong, I actually do enjoy a number of my neighbors. But the thought of hanging out with all of my neighbors at the same time eating tasteless hamburgers while all their dogs and kids run around makes my head hurt. All the “where do you work?” and the “how ‘bout this weather?” and then the uncomfortable silence when you realize you have nothing in common, nothing else to say and lost interest in this person 5 minutes ago until one of you has the balls to do the awkward walk-away to find someone more entertaining. So this year, we treated ourselves and escaped the whole ordeal. Drove out the back way all stealth and sneaky (yelling “Seeya losers!”) and went to the mall…to shop for shoes.