Have you heard people talk about certain smells coming out of nowhere reminding them of a person who has passed over? For example, I smell roses out of the ether and I imagine it’s my Grandmother. If this phenomenon exists and I’m not just imagining it, when my time comes and you smell garlic…that’s totally me. I love to cook. This all brings me to the topic of afterlife.
I had a conversation with my sister-in-law today about reincarnation and I was telling her that my grandma refused to believe in reincarnation because she was certain she’d come back as someone’s maid. Reincarnation doesn’t bother me as much as the idea of “hell”. If hell exists, I believe it will vary according to person. For example, if I earn a first class ticket straight to hell I am sure my hell will be complete with Celine Dion music videos on an eternal loop. I can’t think of anything worse and when I picture that scenario, I want to run out and do volunteer work to pay off some of the karmic debt I’ve accrued. Out of the seven deadly sins: lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy and pride I figure I’ve committed…oh about seven of them. Gluttony and sloth starts about 5:30 appearing nightly.
Of course, I don’t really believe overeating and excessive TV watching is going to procure my place in a Canadian pop star torture chamber so it can’t hurt to just imagine what heaven would be like. My version comes complete with free shoes, jeans that always fit and chocolate that doesn’t make my undies tighter. But if the hereafter isn’t an infinite expanse of time spent in either hell or heaven and reincarnation does exist, I hope I get to come back as a professional beer taster!
Monday, August 31, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Online Shopping Is God's Gift To Me
This is my fourth entry and I have to say…the support from all of you via facebook and email has been great and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you guys.
So I guess I should explain the blog title at this point. I am mildly agoraphobic. Meaning, I don’t venture out of my house very often and I can sometimes be a menace to society. I work from home, I buy groceries once a month, I rarely travel and my vehicles last FOREVER. At this point, I am one step away from pulling a Grizzly Adams and fleeing to the hills. If it weren’t for cold beer on tap, I might never leave my house.
The news this morning mentioned social people are less likely to get dementia. They also said people who run at least 5 hours per week live longer. I’m a goner.
According to Wikipedia, a recluse is someone in isolation who hides away from the attention of the public. Possible reasons for seclusion include:
Celebrities seeking to escape the attentions of his or her fans. Well…that ain’t it.
A misanthrope (misanthropy is a general dislike, distrust, contempt, or hatred of the human species) may be unable to tolerate human society. Getting there….but not quite.
A survivalist may be practicing self-sufficiency. Live without my computer? Nope. Wrong again.
A criminal might hide away from people to avoid detection by police. Jury’s still out on this one.
So that leaves psychological reasons. Okay, fair enough. But aren’t the most interesting people you know a little…well…let’s go with quirky?
Happy Friday!
So I guess I should explain the blog title at this point. I am mildly agoraphobic. Meaning, I don’t venture out of my house very often and I can sometimes be a menace to society. I work from home, I buy groceries once a month, I rarely travel and my vehicles last FOREVER. At this point, I am one step away from pulling a Grizzly Adams and fleeing to the hills. If it weren’t for cold beer on tap, I might never leave my house.
The news this morning mentioned social people are less likely to get dementia. They also said people who run at least 5 hours per week live longer. I’m a goner.
According to Wikipedia, a recluse is someone in isolation who hides away from the attention of the public. Possible reasons for seclusion include:
Celebrities seeking to escape the attentions of his or her fans. Well…that ain’t it.
A misanthrope (misanthropy is a general dislike, distrust, contempt, or hatred of the human species) may be unable to tolerate human society. Getting there….but not quite.
A survivalist may be practicing self-sufficiency. Live without my computer? Nope. Wrong again.
A criminal might hide away from people to avoid detection by police. Jury’s still out on this one.
So that leaves psychological reasons. Okay, fair enough. But aren’t the most interesting people you know a little…well…let’s go with quirky?
Happy Friday!
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
First Day Of School
Today was the first day of school. My son went off to 1st grade and my daughter is a high schooler. I officially made it through summer break. So to honor this occasion, I am attaching a story I wrote in June. To all you parents out there celebrating this day with me today…congratulations!
All joking aside though, it’s an odd feeling seeing your babies traipse off to the bus stop knowing just yesterday they were teeny tiny and saying “momma” for the first time. It was lonely after they left and the house was all mine (plus one dog & cat) so thank you to Kate for taking me out to lunch and Laura and my Mommy for sending me the sweetest emails this morning.
Summer Break
Day 1
Today is the first day of my kid’s summer break and day one of Operation Prozac. I only had to scream at them twice which is far fewer than anticipated. I even had them trained as lackeys by 11am which entailed lunch brought up to my office and cold beverages….and Advil after the two screaming episodes. Even though the day went better than expected, I was still a little delirious by mid-afternoon. I had an appointment the next town over which normally would have taken me 30 minutes, but I left an hour early just to escape.
Day 2
I made it all the way to noon without having to shout “knock it off!!!!!!!!!” As much as I think playing Nintendo all day is detrimental to brain health, I’m paralyzed with fear and unable to restrict the thing. They’re doing chores today…raking the yard and picking up the house. Should keep ‘em quiet for a little while. I’m starting to realize building my home office in the only room without a door was probably not the smartest idea. Wonder how may decibels of rock music it would take to drown out the fighting?
It’s Friday today…salvation.
Day 3
It’s Monday. I discovered the trick to a couple painless hours of tranquility. I moved their bedtimes 2 hours later! It’s perfect because I get up early and they sleep in therefore giving me a few productive moments to work in quiet peace. They’re starting to learn not to interrupt me every 3 minutes with their presence in my office, but the little geniuses conspired and now they text me because I can’t yell as loud via text message.
Day 4
The weather has just been wretched…an overall dreariness. The kids go play outside for what feels to me like 3 minutes, but is probably realistically closer to 30 minutes. Then they come back in complaining that “it’s cold”. I finally banished them from video games and they have been exiled downstairs to play board games, read or play. Every few minutes one of them shouts at the other one and when I get down there, both of them have an angelic presence about them and when I ask “What is going on here?” the only response they’re willing to offer up is “we’re not doing anything” as if to make me believe I imagined all the yelling.
Day 5
Today I have officially made it a week and I am still intact and haven’t needed intravenous Tequila as of yet. Maybe the summer won’t be as bad as I expected and the Gods are smiling on me. I might just make it unscathed after all! I would like to give my own mother a little shout out and thank her for not giving my brother and me up for adoption all those summers she had to stay home with us.
Eventually the summer recreation programs I have them signed up for start and sweet peace and quiet is MINE!
Well…I have to go rescue a small boy from a nail polish wielding teenager.
All joking aside though, it’s an odd feeling seeing your babies traipse off to the bus stop knowing just yesterday they were teeny tiny and saying “momma” for the first time. It was lonely after they left and the house was all mine (plus one dog & cat) so thank you to Kate for taking me out to lunch and Laura and my Mommy for sending me the sweetest emails this morning.
Summer Break
Day 1
Today is the first day of my kid’s summer break and day one of Operation Prozac. I only had to scream at them twice which is far fewer than anticipated. I even had them trained as lackeys by 11am which entailed lunch brought up to my office and cold beverages….and Advil after the two screaming episodes. Even though the day went better than expected, I was still a little delirious by mid-afternoon. I had an appointment the next town over which normally would have taken me 30 minutes, but I left an hour early just to escape.
Day 2
I made it all the way to noon without having to shout “knock it off!!!!!!!!!” As much as I think playing Nintendo all day is detrimental to brain health, I’m paralyzed with fear and unable to restrict the thing. They’re doing chores today…raking the yard and picking up the house. Should keep ‘em quiet for a little while. I’m starting to realize building my home office in the only room without a door was probably not the smartest idea. Wonder how may decibels of rock music it would take to drown out the fighting?
It’s Friday today…salvation.
Day 3
It’s Monday. I discovered the trick to a couple painless hours of tranquility. I moved their bedtimes 2 hours later! It’s perfect because I get up early and they sleep in therefore giving me a few productive moments to work in quiet peace. They’re starting to learn not to interrupt me every 3 minutes with their presence in my office, but the little geniuses conspired and now they text me because I can’t yell as loud via text message.
Day 4
The weather has just been wretched…an overall dreariness. The kids go play outside for what feels to me like 3 minutes, but is probably realistically closer to 30 minutes. Then they come back in complaining that “it’s cold”. I finally banished them from video games and they have been exiled downstairs to play board games, read or play. Every few minutes one of them shouts at the other one and when I get down there, both of them have an angelic presence about them and when I ask “What is going on here?” the only response they’re willing to offer up is “we’re not doing anything” as if to make me believe I imagined all the yelling.
Day 5
Today I have officially made it a week and I am still intact and haven’t needed intravenous Tequila as of yet. Maybe the summer won’t be as bad as I expected and the Gods are smiling on me. I might just make it unscathed after all! I would like to give my own mother a little shout out and thank her for not giving my brother and me up for adoption all those summers she had to stay home with us.
Eventually the summer recreation programs I have them signed up for start and sweet peace and quiet is MINE!
Well…I have to go rescue a small boy from a nail polish wielding teenager.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Happy Birthday Telescope
According to my Google homepage, which I visit 512 times per day, it is the 400th anniversary of Galileo Galilei’s telescope today. I remember writing a school report on Galileo, who was a very fascinating, brilliant and might I say ballsy human being. It makes me wonder, if he had been frozen moments before death and thawed out in our 21st century what he would think of modern technology? He was tried and convicted of heresy and spent the last few years of his life under house arrest. Hmmm, what would the ankle monitor of the 17th century look like? Cat collar with a bell on it? One hundred and fifty pound ball and chain? Strategically positioned sharp shooter (bow & arrow that is)? Anyways, I can imagine online shopping would have made his arrest more convenient. Take-out Chinese maybe? And what about a Nintendo Wii to pass the time? (I just realized I live like someone on house arrest.)
The last four years of his life he was completely blind so he couldn’t even read a book! Braille wasn’t invented until the 1800’s…so what did he do? No voice recognition computers, no TV to listen to, not even a radio! My hat is off to you, Galileo and I will never complain about boredom again.
To honor Galileo’s contributions to modern science and technology I would like to pay homage to a few of my favorite modern day goodies:
The Internet: I never have to peruse through an encyclopedia again. And who needs a dictionary?!
Email/Facebook/Text Messaging/Instant Messaging: Look! Four ways to blow someone off (or stalk someone)!
TV: Two words…Grey’s Anatomy
Cell Phone: How is it that I lived 27 years without a cell phone, but now that I have one I have an aneurysm if I mistakenly leave it at home?
Contact Lenses: Without them I just use two of Galileo’s telescopes tied together with rope.
Zingers: It has an indefinite shelf life and as I was recently told (thanks Shaun) it is an all-in-one life saving tool. Throw away your first aid kits, folks. Starvation…eat the Zinger. Flesh wound…the frosting peels off and doubles as a bandage. Can’t stop the bleeding of a gunshot wound…jam a zinger in there. It acts as a coagulator*. I can’t think of anything witty for this one, but you can probably do something with the plastic wrapper too.
*Not really
Some things I could do without:
Treadmills: Great! Now I can’t even use crappy weather as an excuse.
Wii Fit: It made my Wii character pudgy and alerts the neighbors when I gain a pound. I don’t need that kind of pressure.
Tofu: I’m 99% sure that stuff is made from substances recovered at Roswell.
Steven Seagal: He’s a really bad actor.
So Mr. Galilei…wherever you are…I hope the beer is cold, the food is bountiful and the Zingers have no carbs.
The last four years of his life he was completely blind so he couldn’t even read a book! Braille wasn’t invented until the 1800’s…so what did he do? No voice recognition computers, no TV to listen to, not even a radio! My hat is off to you, Galileo and I will never complain about boredom again.
To honor Galileo’s contributions to modern science and technology I would like to pay homage to a few of my favorite modern day goodies:
The Internet: I never have to peruse through an encyclopedia again. And who needs a dictionary?!
Email/Facebook/Text Messaging/Instant Messaging: Look! Four ways to blow someone off (or stalk someone)!
TV: Two words…Grey’s Anatomy
Cell Phone: How is it that I lived 27 years without a cell phone, but now that I have one I have an aneurysm if I mistakenly leave it at home?
Contact Lenses: Without them I just use two of Galileo’s telescopes tied together with rope.
Zingers: It has an indefinite shelf life and as I was recently told (thanks Shaun) it is an all-in-one life saving tool. Throw away your first aid kits, folks. Starvation…eat the Zinger. Flesh wound…the frosting peels off and doubles as a bandage. Can’t stop the bleeding of a gunshot wound…jam a zinger in there. It acts as a coagulator*. I can’t think of anything witty for this one, but you can probably do something with the plastic wrapper too.
*Not really
Some things I could do without:
Treadmills: Great! Now I can’t even use crappy weather as an excuse.
Wii Fit: It made my Wii character pudgy and alerts the neighbors when I gain a pound. I don’t need that kind of pressure.
Tofu: I’m 99% sure that stuff is made from substances recovered at Roswell.
Steven Seagal: He’s a really bad actor.
So Mr. Galilei…wherever you are…I hope the beer is cold, the food is bountiful and the Zingers have no carbs.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Maiden Voyage
I went to the movie Julie & Julia the other day. After years of hearing stories about being discovered through a blog, I think I finally believe it can actually happen. However, part of me still thinks no one besides my loyal friends and family will read this. But then I only ever wrote to make those people laugh so even if this blog is never successful in my dream of independent wealth, it's still a success if it brings a chuckle to your day. I wanted to thank you all for all of your support the past two years. You've laughed at my stories, demanded I submit them and rebuilt my confidence when I was rejected. Thank you, Mom, for not judging me when you read my stories and realized you birthed a complete freak. My soul sisters Kasey, Cricket and Kate who make me feel loved and less insecure every day. My mother-in-law, Faye who's read every story...and still loves me. The dearest friends a gal could ask for Laura, Lynn and Kevin who've encouraged me from the moment I started writing. My brother who calls me after every story to laugh and say something brilliant that makes me feel less moronic. My boss and coworkers who get to read my random gibberish on a daily basis and still laugh at my sleep deprived nonsense. And mostly my kids and husband who glue me back together like Humpty Dumpty when I'm sprawled out on the floor in my jammies weeping and feeling like a catastrophic failure. I've realized it is a success just to have people like you in my life. I’m lucky to have you and I adore you! So, for the maiden voyage I've decided not to write a new story, but to attach the first story I wrote for you all. It was written 2 years ago this month.
....And instead of smashing the champagne on the bow...I'll drink it for you instead.
Instilling Fear Into Your Children
My son’s first day of preschool….brought to you by the letter B and the number 1.
After a summer filled with anticipation (mostly on my part), the big day finally came. First day of preschool. We scoured the shelves to find the perfect backpack deciding on a small race car one. Big enough to fit a sack lunch, but small enough not to overpower my small child. Once a quick round of “first day of school” photos were taken, we set off for school. This kid is Mr. Public Relations so he couldn’t have been more excited to meet new friends. I, on the other hand, was just happy to have a few hours to work peacefully in my home office.
Upon pick-up I got to hear all about his day from the teacher. Things went really well except for the fact that he didn’t want to do his “schoolwork” which included tracing the letter B, the number 1, coloring a school bus, etc. So “Mrs. B” says to him, “I guess we’re going to have to tell your mom that you didn’t want to do your work” and my son says, “uhhhh…ok I would really like to get that done now” and starts right in on tracing those letters and what not. A sure sign that he was listening to the short 45 second “this is how you’re going to live to see another day” speech I gave him before I dropped him off that morning. It went a little something like this, “you’re going to do everything Mrs. B tells you even if you don’t want to, you’re going to say please and thank you, you’re going to be nice to all the kids, you’re going to shut your pie-hole and listen and when I come to pick you up you’re not going to throw a fit about leaving as if I’m threatening to throw you into a live volcano. If you do not follow these rules you will cease to attend preschool and you will watch your new backpack burn and melt into a smoldering pile of molten nylon in the backyard”. It was nice to hear my ultimatums worked and the teacher was able to get him to follow instructions with small threats about contacting me.
It is quiet around the house without him home though. My husband threatened to call me every 5 minutes to interrupt me like my son does. But decided against the idea after I told him he would watch his computer burn and melt into a smoldering pile of molten plastic in the backyard.
....And instead of smashing the champagne on the bow...I'll drink it for you instead.
Instilling Fear Into Your Children
My son’s first day of preschool….brought to you by the letter B and the number 1.
After a summer filled with anticipation (mostly on my part), the big day finally came. First day of preschool. We scoured the shelves to find the perfect backpack deciding on a small race car one. Big enough to fit a sack lunch, but small enough not to overpower my small child. Once a quick round of “first day of school” photos were taken, we set off for school. This kid is Mr. Public Relations so he couldn’t have been more excited to meet new friends. I, on the other hand, was just happy to have a few hours to work peacefully in my home office.
Upon pick-up I got to hear all about his day from the teacher. Things went really well except for the fact that he didn’t want to do his “schoolwork” which included tracing the letter B, the number 1, coloring a school bus, etc. So “Mrs. B” says to him, “I guess we’re going to have to tell your mom that you didn’t want to do your work” and my son says, “uhhhh…ok I would really like to get that done now” and starts right in on tracing those letters and what not. A sure sign that he was listening to the short 45 second “this is how you’re going to live to see another day” speech I gave him before I dropped him off that morning. It went a little something like this, “you’re going to do everything Mrs. B tells you even if you don’t want to, you’re going to say please and thank you, you’re going to be nice to all the kids, you’re going to shut your pie-hole and listen and when I come to pick you up you’re not going to throw a fit about leaving as if I’m threatening to throw you into a live volcano. If you do not follow these rules you will cease to attend preschool and you will watch your new backpack burn and melt into a smoldering pile of molten nylon in the backyard”. It was nice to hear my ultimatums worked and the teacher was able to get him to follow instructions with small threats about contacting me.
It is quiet around the house without him home though. My husband threatened to call me every 5 minutes to interrupt me like my son does. But decided against the idea after I told him he would watch his computer burn and melt into a smoldering pile of molten plastic in the backyard.
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