Happy Birthday Telescope

According to my Google homepage, which I visit 512 times per day, it is the 400th anniversary of Galileo Galilei’s telescope today. I remember writing a school report on Galileo, who was a very fascinating, brilliant and might I say ballsy human being. It makes me wonder, if he had been frozen moments before death and thawed out in our 21st century what he would think of modern technology? He was tried and convicted of heresy and spent the last few years of his life under house arrest. Hmmm, what would the ankle monitor of the 17th century look like? Cat collar with a bell on it? One hundred and fifty pound ball and chain? Strategically positioned sharp shooter (bow & arrow that is)? Anyways, I can imagine online shopping would have made his arrest more convenient. Take-out Chinese maybe? And what about a Nintendo Wii to pass the time? (I just realized I live like someone on house arrest.)
The last four years of his life he was completely blind so he couldn’t even read a book! Braille wasn’t invented until the 1800’s…so what did he do? No voice recognition computers, no TV to listen to, not even a radio! My hat is off to you, Galileo and I will never complain about boredom again.
To honor Galileo’s contributions to modern science and technology I would like to pay homage to a few of my favorite modern day goodies:

The Internet: I never have to peruse through an encyclopedia again. And who needs a dictionary?!
Email/Facebook/Text Messaging/Instant Messaging: Look! Four ways to blow someone off (or stalk someone)!
TV: Two words…Grey’s Anatomy
Cell Phone: How is it that I lived 27 years without a cell phone, but now that I have one I have an aneurysm if I mistakenly leave it at home?
Contact Lenses: Without them I just use two of Galileo’s telescopes tied together with rope.
Zingers: It has an indefinite shelf life and as I was recently told (thanks Shaun) it is an all-in-one life saving tool. Throw away your first aid kits, folks. Starvation…eat the Zinger. Flesh wound…the frosting peels off and doubles as a bandage. Can’t stop the bleeding of a gunshot wound…jam a zinger in there. It acts as a coagulator*. I can’t think of anything witty for this one, but you can probably do something with the plastic wrapper too.
*Not really

Some things I could do without:
Treadmills: Great! Now I can’t even use crappy weather as an excuse.
Wii Fit: It made my Wii character pudgy and alerts the neighbors when I gain a pound. I don’t need that kind of pressure.
Tofu: I’m 99% sure that stuff is made from substances recovered at Roswell.
Steven Seagal: He’s a really bad actor.

So Mr. Galilei…wherever you are…I hope the beer is cold, the food is bountiful and the Zingers have no carbs.