Maiden Voyage

I went to the movie Julie & Julia the other day. After years of hearing stories about being discovered through a blog, I think I finally believe it can actually happen. However, part of me still thinks no one besides my loyal friends and family will read this. But then I only ever wrote to make those people laugh so even if this blog is never successful in my dream of independent wealth, it's still a success if it brings a chuckle to your day. I wanted to thank you all for all of your support the past two years. You've laughed at my stories, demanded I submit them and rebuilt my confidence when I was rejected. Thank you, Mom, for not judging me when you read my stories and realized you birthed a complete freak. My soul sisters Kasey, Cricket and Kate who make me feel loved and less insecure every day. My mother-in-law, Faye who's read every story...and still loves me. The dearest friends a gal could ask for Laura, Lynn and Kevin who've encouraged me from the moment I started writing. My brother who calls me after every story to laugh and say something brilliant that makes me feel less moronic. My boss and coworkers who get to read my random gibberish on a daily basis and still laugh at my sleep deprived nonsense. And mostly my kids and husband who glue me back together like Humpty Dumpty when I'm sprawled out on the floor in my jammies weeping and feeling like a catastrophic failure. I've realized it is a success just to have people like you in my life. I’m lucky to have you and I adore you! So, for the maiden voyage I've decided not to write a new story, but to attach the first story I wrote for you all. It was written 2 years ago this month.
....And instead of smashing the champagne on the bow...I'll drink it for you instead.

Instilling Fear Into Your Children
My son’s first day of preschool….brought to you by the letter B and the number 1.
After a summer filled with anticipation (mostly on my part), the big day finally came. First day of preschool. We scoured the shelves to find the perfect backpack deciding on a small race car one. Big enough to fit a sack lunch, but small enough not to overpower my small child. Once a quick round of “first day of school” photos were taken, we set off for school. This kid is Mr. Public Relations so he couldn’t have been more excited to meet new friends. I, on the other hand, was just happy to have a few hours to work peacefully in my home office.
Upon pick-up I got to hear all about his day from the teacher. Things went really well except for the fact that he didn’t want to do his “schoolwork” which included tracing the letter B, the number 1, coloring a school bus, etc. So “Mrs. B” says to him, “I guess we’re going to have to tell your mom that you didn’t want to do your work” and my son says, “uhhhh…ok I would really like to get that done now” and starts right in on tracing those letters and what not. A sure sign that he was listening to the short 45 second “this is how you’re going to live to see another day” speech I gave him before I dropped him off that morning. It went a little something like this, “you’re going to do everything Mrs. B tells you even if you don’t want to, you’re going to say please and thank you, you’re going to be nice to all the kids, you’re going to shut your pie-hole and listen and when I come to pick you up you’re not going to throw a fit about leaving as if I’m threatening to throw you into a live volcano. If you do not follow these rules you will cease to attend preschool and you will watch your new backpack burn and melt into a smoldering pile of molten nylon in the backyard”. It was nice to hear my ultimatums worked and the teacher was able to get him to follow instructions with small threats about contacting me.
It is quiet around the house without him home though. My husband threatened to call me every 5 minutes to interrupt me like my son does. But decided against the idea after I told him he would watch his computer burn and melt into a smoldering pile of molten plastic in the backyard.