Becoming a Recluse…For Society’s Sake

On Saturday I went out with some friends and family to dance and drink and be merry. While I'm fairly certain I didn't act too uncivilized, it made me think of this story I wrote a couple years ago...

I am a work at home mom with 2 kids and a full-time job. My life is pretty humdrum and I’m a straight-laced kind of chick. But once in a blue moon, I go out. The night starts out a little something like this: “No, I do not want to go dancing. I suck at it and you can’t make me.” After drink number 2, my mind is not so dead set against the idea, “I don’t know, do we have to? Maybe later. Can’t we just chat and have a couple more drinks?” After drink number 4, I’m leading the pack ready to party, “Let’s dance!!!” I vaguely remember doing “The Humpty Dance” one night in my early 20’s…a night where I also lost a shoe never to be seen again. I usually avoid going out like the plague because of the inescapable events that are sure to occur at some point during the night. For some inexplicable reason I believe myself to be brilliant after cocktail number 3 and often find myself debating topics in which I’m not even that interested in with fellow patrons of the establishment. I’m also known to accost random passersby’s declaring them “my new bff”. At any given time, I will insult someone or embarrass myself or a member of my gang...like forcing my friend to do the “running man” in the bar with me. At the beginning of the night I nominate someone (usually the unsuspecting designated driver) to “watch my back and make sure I don’t make an ass of myself” and then yell “what are you my mother?” when said designated driver prevents me from imbibing drink number 7. I am also annoyed when any member of my party is not equally or more intoxicated than myself thus forcing a round of shots. FYI, Drambuie is not my friend.
Since the morning after one of these outings usually consists of apology emails, phone calls or text messages, I have decided to shorten the process and created a form letter to be filled in quickly and dropped in the mail. I’ll be printing off roughly a ream of these and am taking orders if you need any.

Dear __________________________,
(victims name)

I, _________________________, am sorry for
(your name)

Check all that apply

_ Embarrassing you at a public location or function.
_ Insulting you or one or more of your friends/family.
_ Getting hammered and __________________________________.
_ Other ____________________________________________.
(please explain)

Please do not (check all that apply)

_ Dump me.
_ Avoid me like the plague.
_ Put a hit out on me.
_ Get a restraining order.

Sincerely,

___________________________________
(your name)