Gym: Day One

Today was my first day back in the gym. I haven’t stepped foot in a gym since the mid-90’s. It’s amazing how the machines have changed and how “gyms” have become “health clubs” and aren’t so industrial and cold. I had my tour last week and “Jenny” was lovely, laughed at my jokes and steered me clear of anything that might set me in a panicked sprint for my car. Everything looked so interesting…in a medieval sort of way. Never-ending stairs, video game-esque bikes, treadmills with TVs in them. I was actually a little excited to get started. But that was last week.
I met my workout buddy, Kate, at the gym during our lunch hours today and as soon as she asked if we were going to the gym this morning I instantly started formulating excuses to get out of it. She didn’t fall for any of it. We started a circuit training routine and I realized every muscle in my body had atrophied and when no one was looking, I decreased the amount of resistance to a pathetic 2nd grader level, but one that wouldn’t make me grunt the whole time. We then set out for Mission: 10 minutes on the Elliptical. I promptly weaseled out after 3 minutes and we got two of those recumbent bikes where you can set a course and watch “scenery” on the screen. I managed to wheeze my way through a mile of that and waddled home to enjoy the last few gas station “Combos” I stashed before the big diet of ’09. My office is upstairs and even though I had Advil-ed up before working out, I still had to army crawl up the small flight of stairs to my office. I’ve been sitting here ever since drinking my Diet Pepsi through a straw unable to lift the can wishing I had on a pair of Depends.
I’m meeting Kate again tomorrow and then Thursday is my big day with the personal trainer. At this point, “10 day money back guarantee” is running through my head like the crawl on CNN. Everyone assures me this is going to get easier and my svelte size 4 future-self is the only thing keeping me going. I’m having a memorial for noodles tonight. Goodbye spaghetti. Hello grilled chicken and steamed veggies.