Ode to a Brother

My little brother just bought his very first house. What you are about to read are the top 5 funny and embarrassing stories I could think of about him. He’ll see this and call me to complain and it’s the only way I’ll know he’s actually reading my blog. See…I’m always thinkin’.
5. When he moved away from home to live in Las Vegas, I made an old photo into a postcard and sent it through the mail. It was taken the morning after a party and he was severely hung-over and had fierce “troll hair”. It was perfect. It took 3 weeks to get there and when he finally called to complain we figured it must have been on the bulletin board in every post office from Montana to Nevada.
4. One Christmas my brother was sent on a mission to bring our grandma to our parent’s house for Christmas dinner. While he was away I removed all the tree ornaments and replaced them with my brother’s underwear. I actually have his reaction on film and it’s pee your pants funny. I also once hung his underwear from string all over the bathroom. When he went in there he only saw one pair and grabbed it traipsing off to his room with a scowl. When he came back and turned on the light, he noticed there were 20 more dangling from the ceiling.
3. My brother was with me at Wal-Mart one day and he found this decapitated hairless doll head and bought it. It was the only thing he bought and it was 10 cents. The cashier thought he was a serial killer. We eventually glued a cigarette into its mouth and used it as a dash ornament, but only after we grew tired of sticking it on the end of a window scraper and frightening unsuspecting drivers downtown. It was still in his truck when my mom had to take the realtor for a tour of the farm and when she opened the door it fell out. There’s just no explaining that to someone.
2. I love to throw my brother birthday parties. He dreads this day because there’s just no telling what special treat I’ve concocted. Here are some of the most famous birthdays: hot pink Power Puff Girl party, cake with my brother’s giant head on a tiny Mighty Mouse body and he had to wear a cape the whole party, I wrapped all his presents in Tampax boxes and maxi pad wrappers and made condom decorative bows, I got him nothing but useless crap and had embarrassing quotes pasted to all of them, I hand made him a boob cake and all his gifts were boob novelty items, I took his picture wearing a wok on his head and had a bakery make it into a cake and put it in the case a day in advance so everyone could see it, and for the mother of all redemption….I took him to see strippers.
1. We went on a floating trip down the Madison River with some friends one summer. My friend’s parents were visiting and they came with us. We took a pit stop to “empty the coin purse (that’s for you, Kate)” and we all dispersed through the woods to find a comfy spot to squat. Well we met back up at the raft and my brother is white as a sheet and mumbling incoherently and my friend’s dad is laughing hysterically. We turned to brother and asked what happened and in his shocked state sputtered something like “Nothing! I don’t know!” Turns out, as he was walking through the woods looking for a nice tree to lean on he saw my friend’s mother’s bare naked butt. He’s probably tried to repress that memory so I’m happy to help refresh any lost data.
I kid my brother, but in reality he means the world to me and I miss him every day. Brother, remember that one time we set out on a mission for cheap food somewhere close and somehow we wound up 30 miles away eating steak and shrimp? In all honesty, there are a million stories I could have told you because my brother is one of my very best friends and we’ve been through a lot. So…congratulations, my dear brother. Have fun mowing your new lawn! I wish I had “frankenmower” to give you so we could spread the joy to your new neighbors.
Oh and don’t put any tic tacs up your nose (wink). Love you, bro